A Failed Coverup

2018

I woke up naked with a gun in my face. Probably a Glock 19 but who's to say.

I was sick that night so I went to bed early. Ivy and Silas were still living with me at the time, and they were out. They both sold a little bit but nobody was Pablo. Her phone had been acting funny—clicking a bit. We'd all been around enough to vaguely know what that might mean. None of us were the sort of people to overthink that.

I first woke up when I heard my name.

I was still half asleep, but I figured it was Ivy getting in.

A bit strange, because she called out my full name and her voice was a lot deeper than usual. And then three men in hoodies burst through the bedroom door.

At first I just assumed Mattress Firm must've gotten sick of me. I'd bought one of their mattresses on a payment plan and I was a payment behind. This seemed like a somewhat unjustified escalation, but who was I to judge. An agreement was an agreement and I had let down my end of the bargain, so…

In the chaos, someone probably shouted, "POLICE," but I couldn't really tell you. I only saw the guns in my face and I only heard the command:

"TAKE THE COVERS OFF."

Ah. You see, Mister Home Invader, I would love to comply. However, there's a complication: I sleep naked, and since I didn't know you were coming over, I didn't have a chance to—

"TAKE. THE COVERS. OFF."

Closeup view of the gun.

Okay, you drive a hard bargain.

Like I said, I was sick. So thankfully, there was no mistaking anything for a weapon.

"…Oh okay. He's unarmed, boys. We're not here for you, but your friends are in a bit of trouble."

This was more annoying than if it were about me. I asked somebody to throw me my pajama pants. I got up. The main hoodie looked outraged.

"You're not going to at least put on a shirt?"

I didn't hate him yet but I was getting there.

I saw Silas in the living room. He was handcuffed in the corner in a downward dog pose. It wasn't funny but it was.

"Hey bro, what's up—sorry about all this."

Yeah, all good, don't sweat it.

The cops explained they'd busted Ivy and Silas on a delivery run and wanted to see if they were growing, too.

I glanced into the kitchen. There were no cultivation charges to be had here, but I saw at least a possession and a paraphernalia charge on the countertop.

I looked at the cop who was also looking into the kitchen, a bit bored. I realized this was old news to him.

The cop barely looked up when he spoke, continuing to jot down some numbers on the arrest record he'd already filled out for Silas.

"I assume none of that's yours."

I think it was all mine, actually.

I thought for a moment before I responded. Occam's razor suggested the guy busted for selling weed probably owned the weed, I guess. I'm not sure what we'd gain from all going to jail. Nevertheless.

"No, that's mine."

I hadn't finished the sentence before Silas hopped on the remix.

"No, that's MINE."

Jesus Christ.

"It's yours or it's his?"

Silas said you see it was sort of the home's weed, communal in a sense.

The cops played Solomon for about two seconds before they decided to just split the baby.

"Alright then son. Derek, mark it down as two charges, split the weight."

Out of nowhere, Derek got all remorseful.

"It really blows that we have to do all this, it's too bad the Colorado laws haven't spread everywhere yet. Hell, we could all be lighting one up together in a couple years.

"Wish it wasn't like this but I gotta do my duties and uphold the laws."

Now I decided I hated him.

He started asking me questions. How long I'd lived here and whatnot.

Sorry mister officer, I can't quite remember.

How 'bout Ivy and Silas?

Sorry mister officer, I forget when they got here.

How'd I meet them?

Sorry mister officer but—

Derek didn't like this at all. He started to question whether I really had forgotten all that after all, and I could tell he was about to give me a real piece of his mind when one of the other cops started shouting from my bedroom closet.

"Oh we've got 'em boys. This is absolutely a grow house. Get over here."

I was as curious as Derek, so we walked over to see what was up. They'd found some unopened vermiculite in my closet. I decided to just keep it a buck with everyone.

"Alright, you're half right. Good guess, growing was absolutely about to happen here. But it was a mushroom farm and I've been procrastinating ordering the spores. I bought the rest of the material but that all came from Home Depot so I figure that's alright. Shoulda waited a month."

They seemed disappointed but they finished the paperwork. They wrote up paper arrests detailing the charges and then packed up to leave and go get Ivy, who had apparently been dragged back to our friend Donny's apartment to book him for the weed she'd been delivering to him right before the arrest.

They packed up Silas and the ounce off the table but left the pipes.

I scratched away at the bowl for a while until enough residue fell off to smoke.

They got back around 2 or 3AM. They walked in, we looked at each other, they looked at the pipe, we burst out laughing.

When the laughter had faded, Ivy shared her read of the whole thing.

"Heard you got sexually assaulted at gunpoint or something. Embarrassing for you. Kind of gay to be honest."

Silas said Derek asked about me in the car. Said I was kind of a real asshole. He was just trying to be friendly with me and I kept talking about not remembering nothing, a real asshole if you thought about it.