A Farewell To Alms
THE ME
So — I stop nuking the belief apparatus, you guarantee access to the music apparatus.
THE CHURCH
That is not a phrase we use. But yes. With routine inspections and a cap on enrichment, obviously. Standard JCPOA terms.
THE ME
So very you to try to staple JCPOA onto the end of that. Absolutely not. That’s gonna be a nonnegotiable, guys. I’m here in peace, you’re here in peace, but the spirit realm’s a land of anarchy, and perhaps I can trust YOU, but you understand that there are bad actors out there. You wouldn’t want me defenseless. Hey, look — I can’t go the JCPOA route, but what about some Atoms for Peace bullshit?
THE CHURCH
Please.
THE ME
Sorry, sorry — I know that isn’t the best signal of future compliance, but to be fair there’re no signatures on the page right now.
THE ME
Atoms for Peace, though. Just look at the framework.
THE CHURCH
…You lie and stock up more uranium?
THE ME
Okay, a hair more literal than I was hoping you’d take that, but no.
THE CHURCH
Eisenhower speech during service?
THE ME
Ah, right. I see the value there for you, and I do want us both to win. But that’s a credibility hit that’s gonna echo outwards for me. And hey — you wouldn’t want me to lie, either. To put me in a state of mortal sin?
THE CHURCH
Why do you come into my house and spout Catholic heresies at my table.
THE ME
…Yeah. I hear you. That was honestly way out of line.
THE CHURCH
This right here. This right here is why we wanted to go JCPOA. Catholic heresy is an entire category of weaponry that hadn’t been used before, and consequently the possession of material like that needs to be brought to our att—
THE ME
Brothers, brothers. Mea culpa. I had one and one alone. Don’t worry.
But look — back to Atoms for Peace. The speech was worthless. But the uranium sharing…
THE CHURCH
…Then church will hear the offer details.
THE ME
What if you had some uranium on hand for emergencies too, and — I dunno — we could use it on the Muslims together every blue moon?
THE CHURCH
Sunnis and Shia?
THE ME
Now that’s on me again, apologies. Clarity in negotiations is rule one and I keep failing there, and I appreciate the patience. Unfortunately, I was only thinking of Sunnis when I said that.
THE CHURCH
That’s a very different offer than the one you made.
THE ME
Fellas, fellas. I spoke hastily — you’re right to call me on that. But look, I am here in true commitment to peace. I’m not trying to screw anybody. Perhaps a token of my good faith could help.
…
Would it help if I threw in the Catholics?
THE CHURCH
…
THE CHURCH
And the Greek Orthodox?
THE ME
Ah, this guy! What a shark. GOD, Mike. You know what, fuck it — when in Rome, right? We got a deal, you bastards!
THE CHURCH
…
THE ME
…Yeah, but I mean compliance rollout is a whole thing of its own. Just have your people call my people.
That treaty held for four years.